Of a tribute to Dad

July 2nd, 2005


Dad, I'm sorry.

You brought me into this world, gave me an education, and watched me grow from an awkward plump toddler to now a big, still-awkward and much-more-sensible daughter. I remember when you let me and Sis climb to your sarong you wore last time, pretending it was a swing and throwing us up and down despite Mum's desperate efforts to stop us from puking. I remember when you bought everything I liked once when I was young, just to make me smile coz you once said I have the most beautiful smile anyone could have yet I didn''t show it by having a perpetual sulk on my face. I remember you coming to my defence when Mum scolded me when I told her excitedly that I got my first temp job when I was waiting for my O'level results. She said I was too young to go out to work and that I will be bullied by older employees who are more experienced in the ways of the working world, but you gave me encouragement and even convinced Mum to let me learn. You said I had to fall in order to learn. Although you took my side only once (that time) after so many years til now, I still remember that particular incident.

You gave me an unspoken curfew without discussing it with me and reprimand me everytime I come home a little later than you want me to, though I may seem rebellious and unconcerned, I do realise that you care about me and that you just don't want to be another parent whose kid goes missing. A thing about you that may seem funny to others is that though you focus a lot on my studies and results, you didn't care much when I failed my Maths (which is almost every time), yet you scolded me harshly when I scored below 75 for my Chinese. Whenever you looked at my Maths grade, you just shook your head and said the usual things of practising more and stuff. However, the moment you saw I got a 72 for Chinese, you start to really tear into me and tell me that you were really disappointed with me. I didn't know why when I was young, but as I grew older, I realised that you saw potential in me for Chinese, and since I expressed an interest in that subject, you placed high hopes for me and wished that I can do particularly well in it. You knew I was weak in Maths, had no interest in it whatsoever, hence you didn't really push me into getting a good grade for it, a pass will suffice. I developed that interest in Chinese because of you, Dad. You were Chinese-educated, and hence you spoke more Chinese to me. When I was Primary 1, you sat me in your lap and read the Chinese newspaper out loud to me, pointed out the pictures (even the advertisements) and explained to me page by page. I really love you for that as now I know I am able to read, write and speak Chinese as fluently as the next Chinese person.

When I told you last sem I was switching from an Eng/Chn shared major to just a English single major, you didn't say anything and just told me to work hard. But I can see a little disappointment in your eyes when you turned away. I am sorry. To study honours, or to even have that little a chance to, I had to switch my major. But I assure you, Chinese will never be gone from me. That level of Chinese you instilled in me will always be honed to perfection.

We are a traditional family, hence there was none of the hugging and kissing some families do. We don't say I love you to each other, we don't hug each other, we don't even talk to each other about our problems. Your strict demeanour, straight face and stern words kept me from confiding stuff to you. Sometimes I want to tell you something that happened to me, but the moment you asked me "What?" in such a rough, gruff voice made me just want to hide under my covers. I am perpetually afraid of you scolding me, afraid of disappointing you. That's why I always choose not to tell you anything unless it's really important or unless you ask. I'm sorry.

Dad, I'm sorry for some things I've done to make you mad. I'm sorry for my poor results that always made you wonder what happened to the factory-making-process since Sis always got excellent results. I'm sorry.

And above all, I've never said that to you face-to-face, but I love you.

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