Of being lost and desolate

April 6th, 2005

I found her. I saw her when I was walking along the path of destituism. She was smiling, ever so sweetly, at me. I looked at her and almost ran away as I did not want her to see me in this state, but her eyes drew me closer, alluring eyes with a hint of mystic. I went forward and said to her grudgingly, "Why are you here? It's too late now. Go away ok? I don't need your help, I needed it before but you didn't appear so why should you appear now? Go away."

She gazed at me and asked softly, "You really want me to go? If you do, I shall go now and never come back." I stubbornly stood with my back to her and refused to acknowledge her. She patted me on the back and kissed me gently on the cheek, her soft hair sliding across my shoulder. A whiff of nostalgia, regret, remorse and anticipation overwhelmed me but a moment of hesitation, and the feeling is gone.

She is gone too. I looked over my shoulder and I couldn't see her anymore. A deep sense of regret filled me but I shook myself and said, "Well, she wouldn't have helped anyway. She didn't appear when she should and now it is too late."

I continued on along the path of destituism, not knowing where I was headed. As I walked, and sometimes crawled due to lack of strength, I stumbled many times and each time I fell, tears of despair flooded my eyes. A single thought was on my mind during those times : Where are you?! Pls appear, I really need you now. I'm sorry I asked you to leave, I thought it was too late, but I'm wrong. Pls forgive me.

But nobody arrived. I cried and stumbled til I came to a fork. Which way should I go? Will the way I choose be safe? Can I be sure that I will choose the safer and ultimately smoother route? I stood there thinking and thinking and thinking and...

A flash of light and there she is, smiling at me with that graceful smile I know so well. I saw her lips move "Don't worry, I am always here. I heard your cries, don't think I didn't, but I wanted you to stumble and learn. I didn't leave and I will never leave you. Anytime you need help, just think of me and I will appear. But I want you to try whatever you think is right first, so I can help you achieve more when I arrive."

Is it raining? Why is my face wet? I reached up and my hand came away wet. I was crying. Touched. She is here. I found her.

Confidence.


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